


Bertie and the accidental insight

by siggen1



Series: Don Juan Jeeves [1]
Category: Jeeves & Wooster
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, F/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-28 15:34:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/676017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siggen1/pseuds/siggen1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bertie hides in Stiffy's wardrobe to get a leg up in a competition, but gets a dashed sight more than he bargained for. And just what the bally hell does Honoria Glossop and Bobbie Wickham have to do with anything at all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bertie and the accidental insight

**Author's Note:**

> I have no beta in this fandom, so my sincere apologies for any and all errors.

“Ravish me, Jeeves,” Stiffy said. In the wardrobe, I pressed the heel of my hand to my cockstand, and tried not to moan out loud. Jeeves reached out to the nightstand and --

“Wait,” I hear you clamouring, “Bertram, how did you end up standing in Stiffy Byng’s wardrobe while your valet was ravishing her?” Of course, you’d be well within your rights - it was a strange posish, to be sure. However, the hows and wherefores are hardly relevant to the story, so I’ll limit myself to saying that during my visit at Totleigh Towers over a few summer weeks, a form of competition had developed between the young people in attendance. We would attempt to scare each other, see, jumping out from behind statues and whatnot, and the goal was for the men to make the ladies faint, and for the ladies, to make the men squeal like little girls. The ladies had a solid lead, but I had devised a cunning plan to take it back. You see, when Tuppy and I had developed the elaborate points-system, we had decreed that whomever scared Stiffy witless would take fifty points - based on the premise that young S. is dashed hard to frighten. So, I hid in her wardrobe while she was on her way up after the nightcap, and had decided to wait there for a goodish bit so she wouldn’t suspect a thing, and jump out right before she fell asleep. There were these slits in the upper part of one door, out of which I could see most of the room quite well, and a tall suitcase in storage I could sort of perch on to take the weight off my feet, so I settled in for the wait.

However, when she came to her room, it only took a few moments before someone knocked gently on the door, and when she gave the word, Jeeves entered.

“I was given to understand that you wished to see me, miss?”

“Yes, Jeeves,” Stiffy said, and I wondered what kind of wheeze she was getting at for the competition, plotting with Jeeves, but surely it wouldn’t be worth it. Startling me is rather easy, you see, so I didn’t count for very many points at all. “I wanted to thank you for the help you’ve given Harold and I these past few days.”

“It was my pleasure, miss.” Jeeves had fished Stinker out of some soup or other - I had rather stopped listening at one point, knowing that Jeeves would take care of it, so I wasn’t quite clear on exactly what sort of soup it was - with sir Watkyn, and I should say Stiffy had good reason to be grateful.

“There was one more thing.”

“Yes, miss?”

“You know Harold is a curate, of course, and as such he...” Stiffy trailed off for a moment, before getting a second wind of resolve. “Well, to be blunt, he refuses to bed me until we’re married.”

“Indeed, miss?”

Well, I’d be dashed! I had not thought it possible that even Jeeves could be so unflappable when faced with such language from a lady, but he sounded like Stiffy had just made a comment on the weather or on some article of clothing she fancied.

“Yes. And a girl has needs, you know, Jeeves, perhaps just as many as a man.”

“Yes, miss.”

“From what I hear you might be able to assist me.”

“I would be honoured, miss,” Jeeves said smoothly, and I swear, had you been there in the wardrobe with me, you could have picked my jaw up from the floor. Here was my man, being propositioned - and accepting said p.! - by Stiffy blasted Byng! Well, I say, that’s hardly cricket! And what the bally hell did she mean that she'd heard that Jeeves could do that for her? Did my valet have some sort of tawdry reputation, and if he did, why had nobody told me?

“Perhaps,” Stiffy said, while Jeeves locked the door behind him, then moved closer to her, so I saw only his back, “in light of the situation, you might call me Stephanie?”

I could see his shoulders straightening and squaring.

“That would be most improper, miss.”

“Do you imagine rogering me will be a very proper affair?” She smiled playfully, and when Jeeves replied, I could detect a hint of humour in his voice, too.

“There are many ways in which a man might pleasure a lady, miss. I have no intention of, as you say, rogering you.”

“Why ever not?” Stiffy sounded flabbergasted.

“It would be most improper to trifle with a young affianced lady's virtue, miss. Additionally, I do not have on my person the required prophylactic. I should not like to risk leaving you with child, miss.”

“You think me a blushing virgin, Jeeves?”

“I’m sure I could not say, miss.”

“Well, I’m not. There have been men before you, and for all the blessed time Harold is taking getting things in order for our marriage, I’d dare say there will be men after. As for the ‘required prophylactic’, there’s one in the silver box on the bureau. I’d like you to put it to good use.”

“Very good, miss,” Jeeves said, and went and retrieved said r. p. from the bureau, placing it on the bedside table.

“Now, Jeeves, will you kiss me, please?”

“Certainly, miss,” he said, before taking hold of her and enveloping her in an impassioned embrace. I couldn't say how long he kept at it, but when he let up for air, Stiffy was quite breathless.

“They weren’t wrong about you,” she said shakily, as he lowered his head and applied his lips to her neck.

“If I might ask, miss,” Jeeves said before doing something to Stiffy’s ear that - judging by the moan she gave - she apparently found to be quite topping, “to whom are you referring?”

Stiffy smiled, and lifted one of her hands from his waist to muss at his hair while he kept kissing her neck. “Bobbie Wickham and - ah! - Honoria Glossop.”

Well, this was bally well getting out of hand! Jeeves had had intimate relations with Honoria Glossop? Not to mention Bobbie Wickham, who I knew for a fact he absolutely couldn’t stick at any price? What was Jeeves playing at, anyway, bedding half the women I knew? The man himself didn’t have anything to say about the way Stiffy got her information, apparently, because he kissed her again, with one hand at the back of her head and the other arm wrapped firmly around her waist. After a goodish bit of time, he let her go again, and brought up his right hand to touch the short sleeve of her evening gown.

“May I, miss?”

There was a certain thingness to his voice that it took me a moment to identify as arousal, and I wished they were turned the other way so I could see what his face looked like when he sounded like that, because it was a dashed pleasant thingness.

"Go ahead," Stiffy said with a sigh and a rather fruity sort of smile.

Jeeves took off his jacket and moved behind her. His face, that I'd wondered about just before, was as inscrutable as ever, but his lips were red, from his exertions or Stiffy's lipstick I wasn't sure, and his eyes were dark, much darker than I had ever seen them before. He rested his hands on her shoulders for a minute, bringing his head down to nuzzle at her neck. Her eyes shut and she gave a little gasp as his hands slid back to work on the fastening-thingummies of her dress. I knew from experience, of course, that Jeeves knew his way around a shirt and suit, but obviously he’d dabbled in ladies’ clothing too, because it didn’t take long before the dress pooled around Stiffy’s feet, leaving her in her underthings. He grasped the bottom hem of her slip and lifted it over her head, then turned her against him, kissing her before slowly dropping to his knees in front of her. I had to bite my lip not to make a sound, and did my best to ignore the growing hardness in my trousers. He unfastened one stocking, and rolled it down her leg, kissing his way down the exposed skin, before going back up and doing the same down the other leg.

“You’re teasing me, Jeeves,” Stiffy said with a breathless laugh.

“No, miss,” he said, and there was that thingness in his voice again that sent a jolt right to my cockstand, “I am making love to you the way a man should."

He got to his feet again, divesting her of the garter belt on his way. He reached around her and undid the fastening on her brassiere, letting that, too, fall to the ground. I had imagined Jeeves somehow different in a situation like this, possibly folding the divested garments, at least placing them over the back of a chair or some such, but he was leaving Stiffy’s clothes where they fell, and somehow that made the whole thing all the more erotic to my mind. Jeeves was, for all his stuffed frog façade, obviously caught up in the encounter.

I suppose I should have, at that moment, wondered what Stiffy's breasts looked like, and wanted to see them, but I confess I didn't. All I cared about was that enraptured look on Jeeves’ face. It aroused me to no end, and I couldn’t help touching a hand to the front of my pants, trying to relieve some of the pressure. He leaned close to her chest, and she emitted a keening sound. I couldn't see, but I could easily imagine how he must have closed his lips around one of her nipples. He kneeled again after a moment, pulling her panties down to her ankles. She stepped out of them nimbly. If she felt awkward being nude in front of a man who was only a coat short of fully dressed, she didn't show it, instead striking a bit of a pose in front of Jeeves. He put a hand on her hip, leaning forward. Stiffy breathed in sharply, and Jeeves stopped to look up at her face.

"Is this objectionable to you, miss?"

"No, no," Stiffy said, "You just caught me by surprise."

"You must direct me, miss, if I fail to give you what you desire."

She nodded, and Jeeves leaned forward again. I had only a vague sort of idea of what he was doing to her now, but it was obviously intensely pleasurable, judging from her reactions. She moaned, whimpered and, finally, bit down hard to muffle a shout. Her knees buckled, then, but Jeeves caught her easily, standing to lay her gently on the bed.

"That was wonderful, Jeeves,” she said, her voice barely a sigh.

“Thank you, miss,” he murmured, undressing himself efficiently.

For a few moments, the only thing I could hear was Stiffy’s laboured breathing, slowly evening out. Finally, Jeeves was as naked as she was, placing his underthings neatly on a chair. I felt my pulse pounding in anticipation of what was surely to come, and my cockstand was almost painfully hard.

“Jeeves,” she said, “I’m ready for you.”

“Not yet, miss,” he said silkily, taking hold on her waist and repositioning her on the bed, so her legs hung over the edge.

Her legs spread easily, and I could see the dark curls surrounding her center. Jeeves knelt on the floor in front of her, and this time I could see his tounge darting out to taste her. She whimpered, and this seemed to please him, so he repeated the movement. This time he let his tongue linger on her, moving around a bit, until he clearly found a good spot. Her hips bucked, and Jeeves lifted his head, smiling at her.

It felt like a sharp spike to the gut - he had never smiled at me, in all the time I had known him, not ever, and certainly never like this: Teasing, hungry, desirious. He placed his arm across her belly, presumably to hold her still, before resuming his activity. My attention was on her face now, her expression rapt with pleasure. Suddenly, her eyes shot open, and she moaned sharply. I looked down to see that Jeeves was sliding two of his fingers in and out of her core. Stiffy’s hips were undulating, it looked like she couldn’t quite choose between pushing up against his tongue or driving herself down on his fingers. Her breath was coming in gasps, and she writhed under him. At last, it seemed every muscle in her body tightened, and she gave a muffled shriek as she met her peak, but Jeeves didn’t let up. He kept touching her relentlessly, and her whole body shuddered. It might have been moments, or minutes, I could not tell you, because my heart was beating like the dickens, and I was having a hard time sitting still and keeping quiet. I desperately wanted to touch myself, but I couldn’t risk being discovered, so I gritted my teeth and focused on breathing as evenly as I could manage. Finally, she seemed not to be able to take it much more.

“Stop,” she said, sounding like the word itself hurt her. “It’s too much.”

He pulled away from her, leaning back on his haunches, before standing to lift her further up on the bed. She smiled languidly at him.

“Ravish me, Jeeves,” Stiffy said.

In the wardrobe, I pressed the heel of my hand to my crotch, and tried not to moan out loud. Jeeves reached out to the nightstand and took the condom, tearing the foil and smoothing the thing onto his cockstand. It was the first time I had seen another man’s cock in this state since I was in school, and it was breathtaking. I realised with a start that I rather desperately wanted to touch it.

Jeeves lay down over Stiffy, leaning on his elbows, as she reached down and guided him inside her.

"Oh, God," she said.

He murmured something I couldn't quite hear, and she laughed breathlessly in response, leaning her forehead up to touch against his chest for a long moment. I’m not entirely sure what she did next, only that it yielded a response that made me jump: Jeeves yelped. There is really no other word for it, as undignified and un-Jeevesian as it might sound.

"Well," Stiffy said, her smile a brazen challenge that morphed to slack-jawed pleasure when Jeeves began moving in response.

His hips rolled leisurely, over and over, thusting against her. He seemed to find a rhytm that pleased them both, drawing a whole host of delighted gasps and moans from Stiffy. He leaned down from time to time, closing his lips - and on a few occasions, his teeth - around one of her nipples, which it seemed she also found quite topping, whimpering and keening, thrashing under him.

"Harder, Jeeves, please," she said, and he obliged, thrusting furiously against her.

I was close, so close, and balled my hands into tight fists to keep them from straying to my cock to finish myself off. Finally, Jeeves stilled, groaning quietly into Stiffy's shoulder as he came off.

They were still, just breathing, for a bit before Jeeves got up. He divested himself of the rubber, wrapping it in some tissues he spirited from somewhere in his uniform jacket, and began dressing himself. I realised suddenly, dread a cold pit in my stomach, that I might be stuck in the blasted wardrobe all night. I couldn't very well risk Stiffy waking up and seeing me. The thought alone was enough to eradicate every trace of arousal in about half a tick. Thankfully, it seemed Stiffy might not be settled in for the night, she got up and put on a dressing gown.

"You'll see yourself out?"

"Yes, miss," Jeeves said, leaning down to let her pop a quick kiss on his lips.

"Thank you," she said quietly, and Jeeves inclined his head in a "not-at-all-miss" sort of gesture. Stiffy unlocked and opened the door, looked up and down the corridor, and snuck out.

Jeeves put on his tie and jacket, and smoothed down his hair quickly, but carefully, before giving a quiet cough, one of the sort that brings to mind a sheep on a distant hillock.

"I believe miss Byng is availing herself of the facilities, sir. You should have a few minutes with which to make good your escape from the wardrobe."

He turned and left, closing the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, there is a sequel coming. Yes, it'll be Jeeves/Bertie. Yes, I will be naming this series "Don Juan Jeeves", even though it's incredibly silly.


End file.
